Blended and Stepfamilies

   As I was thinking of what to write for my last blog post I thought back to all that I wrote this semester and I can honestly say I have learned so much that I didn't even know I had questions about before. This week was really interesting as we talked about the different types of families and especially going over the baggage and trials of having a blended family or adding a step family into the family structure. The thing that really stood out to me was how important it was that if you get divorced or have a death in the family and you remarry it will take about 2 years to get to normalcy. The biological parent should do all of the heavy discipline, the stepparents role should be similar to that of an aunt or uncle, and the biological parent and the new step-parent will be having more closed-door discussion. These are really important to remember as you come into a family where your spouse has kids or that you are apart of a blended family.
  There are also suggestions for dealing with problems of being a stepparent. 1. Let the relationship with your new stepchildren develop slowly and gradually, do not expect to become their best friend or start laying down rules right when you meet them. 2. Don't try and replace the lost parent, try and be an additional parent to your stepchild. 3. Expect different feelings from yourself, your spouse, and from your new stepchildren, this really helps create the family structure and the new family unity. 4. Make sure that your feelings get shown and be open and fair and honest to yourself and your spouse and new stepchildren. These are only a couple of ways to make sure that your stepfamily is bonding and creating intimacy.

Parenting

  This semester I have taken a Parenting Skills class, Child Development, and Family Relations and have learned so many new and exciting things about being a parent. I never realized how many different ways people parent and how different things can either build your child up or tear them down. The first thing that really stood out to me was punishment and rewards. This has been a major topic in all three of my classes. I always thought that rewards were a good thing and that they lifted the child up and helped them but it is the opposite. A child should want to work hard and want to do things for their benefit. I really learned this when I was growing up. My parents really taught me hard work and how to work for what I want. My parents didn't pay me for doing chores or getting a good grade in school.
    When children are rewarded for tasks such as doing the dishes or getting an A on the math test they expect a reward every time and it is proven that if they know they are going to get a reward no matter what they do they are more likely to not work as hard. I watched a study about children working on a puzzle. The children all did one puzzle and then the presenter told one group of children they would get a reward if they did another and finished it and another group did it without a reward. The children who knew they were getting a reward didn't want to finish the harder puzzle or even do it. The children who didn't get a reward worked hard and finished the puzzle. This just proves that children work harder when there is no reward and rewards can actually be a punishment.
  Another thing that really stuck out to me is punishment and how parents punish there children in multiple ways but it doesn't really ever help the child. Many people believe that punishing a child will make them learn faster and more than if they let them have natural consequences. The best way for children and teens to learn is through natural consequences. This is the best way unless 1. The thing they want to do is too dangerous. 2. The natural consequence is too far in the future. 3. Others would be affected by the decision the child is making. Other than these three things the child should be able to make choices and receive the natural consequence rather than getting spanked or getting a toy taken away. It is not about manipulation it is about teaching.

Fatherhood

   This week I had to write a paper on Fatherhood and it really made me think about my father and how amazing he is. I honestly love my dad so much and truly believe that he is the most amazing person in the world. Growing up I knew that I could go to my dad for anything and I’m very biased but I honestly believe that I have the best dad ever. He was always involved in everything I did. From the time I was young I always felt safe when my dad was home and I knew that he would protect me no matter what. I also knew that our house was protected because we blessed it when we moved. My dad always made sure that we felt safe even when he had to go out of town for business. I also knew that my mom and dad always worked together on any problems or situations and they could support each other.

   My dad used to sit us down each Fast Sunday and talk to us about what was happening in our life, how our spiritual growth was going, and if we needed anything. After he talked to us he would tell us each how proud he was of us and how much he loved us. Just by sitting and talking I had greater love for my dad and we grew so much closer. My dad is the greatest example to me and has always been my hero. He is there for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually at all times. My father has the most amazing testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ and of Heavenly Father’s plan for each of us. He has always been a great example of service, compassion, love, and dedication. He is the hardest worker I have ever known and loves everyone no matter what they have been through. I am truly grateful for such an amazing dad. 

   There are so many things a dad should be; he should be kind, caring, compassionate, share responsibilities, provide, protect, and preside, he should love his wife and love their children. Dad's make the world go round. Father's should be there from the time his children are born and everyday from then. There were 5 key points I thought dads should do or be. 1.Fathers need to show their support to their wife and be joined in raising children. 2. Fathers need to show they share the responsibilities with their wife. 3. Fathers need to be there for the birth of their child and be there for them for the rest of their life.  4.  Fathers need to make sure no economic or job barriers get in their way of raising children.  5. Fathers should play multiple roles in the family just as the mother does.  

Communication and Conflict

  Communication is key. This week we talked about communication and how important it is in a relationship. I knew how it important it was before taking this class but it is more profound now when I've found out more data. The most important thing I learned was how non-verbal communication is so key in any relationship. Only 14% of communication is words, tone is 35%, and non-verbal is 51%. You are never not communicating something. Our thoughts and our feeling have to be sent to the other persona and they have to encode what message we are saying or showing to them. We expect others to know our codes of what we are saying and wanting them to work with it. The problems with communication are much greater than we anticipate.
    Listening is also such an important part to communication. There are many ways to be better about listening. 1. Take the initiative in communication 2. Resist distractions 3. Control your emotions and the want to respond to whoever you're talking to 4. Ask questions and make sure you understand what your partner means 5. Think about what you are going to say and summarize what you have heard and are going to say 6. Practice your listening skills often
   When communication is not done right in a relationship there is going to be conflict. It is okay to have conflict in a relationship because there are ways that conflict can bring two people together and to actually strengthen a relationship as long as the conflict is not done in anger or goes on to long. It is important to not be invested in our own opinions in a conflict. It is important to think of the other person and how they are feeling and to always remember that during times of conflict to not want it your way but want whatever our Heavenly Father and Savior want for us. Conflict is going to occur but if you are conscientious about how you are feeling and what the Savior wants for you the conflict will be for the better and not for the worse.

Stress and Abuse

   Everyone knows when there are stressors on a family most of the time its because of birth, death, finances, education, medical reasons, and so many other things. People think stress is normal. The answer is yes stress is normal in small amounts and not everyday. Many think that stress is apparent in an everyday life. This is not true. There are times where you will feel stress the most but during times you are happy you should not be feeling stressed. I know one of the times I was the most stressed was getting ready for college. College is a stressful thing, leaving your parents, meeting your roommates, figuring out what major to go into, and tons and tons of other stressors. There are many ways that I handled this stress. I would read, talk to friends, watch movies, went to Montana. There are so many ways to release stress that avoid abusing anything such as alcohol, drugs, or even people.
   When we were talking about abuse in my class it really made me start to think and it was so sad. 1/3 of people who are abused when they are young will grow up and abuse just as they were taught. This is so scary to me. I have read a lot of articles and watched a lot of shows where people are abused and I have seen this in so many cases. In most cases the child was abused by a step-father or a brother or uncle who they trusted. Abusing is so serious in God's eyes that he talks about it multiple times in the scriptures and in many other resources. If you even harm any of your children in your life or a spouse and do not repent there is no way to make it to the celestial kingdom.
  I loved a story in class that my teacher told of a 14 year old boy who had molested his younger sister. He was then sent out to a institution to help him get better and to not be around his sister. I won't go into all the details but when my teacher brought the family together after 2 years and they all went around and got to say what happened and what they felt they started to lessen the boundaries that had been set and they started to see each other more lovingly. When the brother actually started to apologize he got down on his knees and bawled and said everything he felt horrible for doing and knew how much he had hurt his sister and mom and his other family members. This really made me think of the atonement and how he was able to repent and even though he wasn't of any faith I know that he was sincerely forgiven after taking all the steps of repenting. We are able to repent because we have a loving Savior, Jesus Christ who died for us so that we may live.

Fidelity

   What does fidelity mean? The definition I found states, "faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support" and the second definition, "sexual faithfulness to a spouse or partner". When people think of infidelity they think of a husband or wife/ girlfriend or boyfriend having sexual relations with someone they are not dating or married to. There are multiple ways that people could not have fidelity that are not physical or sexual. They could be married but lusting after technology, fantasies, and another relationship with another person in a non-physical way. Some of the words that are synonyms of Fidelity are loyalty, obedience, constancy, and faithfulness. One of my biggest fears is a significant other being unfaithful and not being loyal to me. Something that was really brought to my mind about fidelity was that usually when a spouse cheats or is unfaithful there was already a disconnecting and a boundary that was lost in your relationship. It is so important to make sure that your relationship is strong, that you communicate, and that you make time for one another.
   I have always struggled with the idea of being cheated on and one way that it can be stopped is to set boundaries in your relationship. A man and a women who are not married should never be alone together if they are both married to someone else. Cheating does not occur in an instance. Two people usually connect on a deeper level and talk about their life and their family problems and they realize they are getting closer and then they begin to think about each other more and fantasize about the other causing the temptation to cheat to be stronger and stronger until they are unfaithful and they do not show loyalty to their spouse. This really scared me because I had to think of all the people in my life and how fidelity is shown now but was it always or will it always be. 
    Now I'm not saying that cheaters or those who are unfaithful can not be forgiven, because they can be. Jesus Christ died for our sins because we are mortal and we are going to make mistakes. I've known many wonderful people who have had the temptation of cheating or making the mistake of using pornography as a distraction from a unhappy relationship. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us and are here to help us. This week really reminded me to stay strong in the gospel and to make sure that I keep my promises to my Heavenly Father. It is so important to have a heathy, strong, loving relationship, and our loving and caring Heavenly Father will help us do this if we allow him to be apart of our life and we are staying away from any idea or action of being unfaithful or and un-obedient. 

Transitions in Marriage and having children

This week in class, I learned so much that I had never even thought about before. One thing I had never thought about before was how important engagement is. It is the step after courting and the step before marriage. While you are engaged it is not the job of the girl to be planning the wedding with her mom and sisters. It is so important for the fiancé to be involved and saying what he likes and dislikes and helping the wife. In the engagement part of a relationship you can learn so much about your fiancé that will change how your marriage will be. I had never thought how important it was that  the male asked the father's permission or how the guy asking the girl to marry him was so important but now I know that it is so important because it shows how the guy is willing to commit and how your marriage will end up.
  This week we talked about how you will change in the first month of marriage and the first year of marriage and when you have your first baby. There is going to be a lot of change and a lot of decision making in the first month and you want your fiancé to be a part of it. Today in class we talked about how important it was for the man to help the women in creating their house and the decor that they use. It was interesting to hear people's comments on how the women should just be doing the work and the husband can just go along with it. Guys, this is NOT how you do it. Women value your opinion and we would rather you tell us you don't like something before we decorate a room then us finding out you hate it after we are done. You are a TEAM when you get married, it is not up to the wife to make all the decisions or up to the husband to make all of the decisions, you make them together.
  It is proven that when married couples start having children their marital satisfaction is decreased. This is due to many reasons, some being that the wife is more focused on the baby than on her husband, the work load of the wife and husband go up, they couple stops going on dates or having time for each other. It is so important for the wife to include the husband in having and raising a child. When the husband feels connected to both the wife and the child the satisfaction rate goes up and they are all more happier. There are many ways a wife can include her husband, such as having him at every doctors appointment, having him help with decisions about the baby, being the only one in the delivery room with her, etc.
  There was so much that I learned this week that I could probably write an essay about it. I have not only learned how to include my husband in everything but how important it is to do so. It is so important to have a healthy and happy relationship from the time you start dating to the time you get married and start having children. If more wife's and husband's worked together to strengthen their relationship and to make important decisions together, there would be less divorce. Eternal Marriage is the greatest blessing on earth, do all you can to keep your eternal marriage happy and healthy.